Greatness Part 6 November 25, 2008

The last method/technique Glasser writes about in relation to the Nurtured Heart Approach is called Creative Recognition.   This method deals with us creating situations that will transport children into success while promoting a child’s sense of cooperation and collaboration.  Essentially, we are creating the compliance before the child can do otherwise and then we praise him for that success.  Glasser suggests some tips when applying this technique;  1.  Start with an utterly doable request.  Make the request, then energize the child’s response and effect.   2.  Avoid polite or diplomatic ways of starting out a request, like “would you”, “could you” or even “please”.   3. Convey a message that every moment in the right direction is valued.  4.  When resistance comes up, remember your stands: relentless pursuit of positivity, strict rule enforcement and no leaks of negativity.

Some examples of this method are:

1.  At clean up, a request is made: “I need you to get started cleaning up.”  The child starts to push the blocks slowly, but in the general direction of the block bin.  You respond right away with “I notice that you are starting to put the blocks in the bin.  I really appreciate how well you listened when I said it was time to clean up.”

2.  You’ve told the kids that it’s time to start preparing for bed.  Just as the child looks up from the computer or the TV and starts to stretch and get up – maybe not with the intention of heading to his room to change – you say, ” I see you are getting ready to go put your pajamas on.  I appreciate that you are getting up and are starting to do as I asked.  You are following directions and I appreciate that.

3.  Joseph’s Story:  Glasser worked with a family of a 6 year old who was pretty much off the map in terms of compliance.  He easily got himself kicked out of class often which in turn lead him to go to the office (reward!) and be surrounded by administrators and office personnel (attention!).  Glasser shared the Nurtured Heart approach with his family and the father pretty much laughed at Glasser.  He told Glasser that his son has never done anything that they have asked him to do and didn’t believe he would cooperate anytime soon.  The next time Glasser saw them, the child had begun to turn around.  When Glasser asked the father how they did it, the father shared how it started…using the Creative Recognition method….The dad shared that Joseph was getting in the car; he sat down and was pulling the door closed when the father asked him to close the door.  It was already half done, too late to reverse it.  When the door clicked closed, the father said “Joseph, thanks for doing just what I asked you to do.  That’s great following directions.”  Joseph then clicked his seat belt on and dad turned around and told him to put his seat belt on.  And then his father accused him of being successful.  He said, “Wow!  This time, it was almost as if you heard my request inside your brain and I didn’t even have to say it.  You know what I wanted and you cooperated.  I appreciate that.”   Within a few weeks of this approach being used, Joseph had a complete turn around.

Glasser has worked with parents who struggle with putting this approach into practice.  It feels unnatural and strange.  Glasser encourages parents to keep at it.  It will become more natural and the results will be worth it.  He says that once it starts to feel more comfortable, it will only takes 5 to 10 seconds to find the moments and praise your child in them.  If you do this 10 – 30 times a day, that is less than 5 minutes of your total day.

Glasser reminds us that the four methods build on one another and are designed to be used fluidly, in combination. He encourages us to practice our vocabulary to where we can shower our children with praise effortlessly.  The simplicity and brevity of this approach are a key reason it is so effective.  It cuts to the heart of information that most strongly motivates and encourages children.  Specific praises and requests bring to light what the child can value in his or her self abundantly clear.

I’ll end this method with some examples that I love.  Glasser shares them as ways to link the child’s very existence to something great and wonderful.  Always feel free to share your thoughts.  I would love to hear them.

“It’s such fun to have you in this family.”

“Your presence adds a needed calmness to the family.”

“I like seeing how your siblings smile when you enter the room.”

“I love the energy and enthusiasm that you bring to all you do.”

Greatness Part 5 November 20, 2008

Yes, I am still reading and writing about Howard Glasser’s All Children Flourishing book.  With an 18 month old, I am finding it hard to sit and read and write lately, but I am still at it.  I am almost finished with the book, so this series should be coming to an end in a couple of more blogs.  I am still in love with this approach. It is completely different from what I have been taught or have used, and I find it refreshing.

We are now on the third of four methods/techniques Glasser uses in his Nurtured Heart Approach. It is called Proactive Recognition. This method builds on both Active and Experiential Recognition.  At the heart of this method are the household rules.  Glasser says a lot about rules in this chapter, too much for me to write about.  I will continue to encourage you to get the book and read about it yourself, but I will summarize it the best I can.  Glasser emphasizes that when it comes to the house rules, they need to be specific, which means that they must be stated in a negative way to make them effective.  Now this runs contrary to the “positive discipline” approach that is so popular today.  (The positive approach is what I was trained to use as a teacher.)   Glasser explains that positive rules such as “be respectful”,  “do as you are told”, “keep your hands to yourself” and “use good manners” can be fuzzy and confusing for children.  What exactly is being respectful?   What are considered good manners?  To be successful with boundaries, children need to know exactly what they are.  It is much more helpful for parents as well.  When rules are stated positively, we tend to give warning after warning as a child pushes the boundary.  Glasser encourages us to state rules in this way; no hitting, no pushing, no grabbing things away from others, no talking back to adults, no name calling, no teasing, no disobeying a request from a parent/teacher, no chewing with your mouth open, no playing with your food, no interrupting, no tantrums, no bad words…   With these rules, it is clear to children and adults when a rule has and has not been broken.  Glasser states that if we also look at rule breaking as a matter of choice than a mistake, this helps us further appreciate a child’s choice NOT to break the rules. 

Glasser says that different households will have different rules, but it really doesn’t matter how many rules you have.  He also says that writing down the rules for the child is not necessary.  If we are using the Nurtured Heart Approach and its methods the way it is intended to be used, children will learn the rules simply through our recognition of them following the rules.  Writing down the rules for ourselves, though, is a good idea.  As I stated earlier, in Proactive Recognition, we are pursuing success in moments when children are making the choice to not break the rules.  This is what builds up their inner greatness, helping them recognize that they are great and are making great choices as they are doing it. Here are some tips for applying this method;  1.  Take a moment where your child is following the rules, view it as a photo opportunity and then celebrate it verbally.  2.  Consciously find moments when nothing seems to be happening, then, capture those moments by acknowledging your child for not breaking the rules or pushing the limits in that instant.  3.  Create at least one rule, preferably many, that your child seldom, if ever, breaks.  4.  Don’t concern yourself, at the outset, with having a big discussion of “the new rules” with your children.  Let the child be taught the rules through the experience of following them and being acknowledged for that.

Glasser assures us that if we are genuinely using this approach, we do not have to worry about “giving children ideas about how to break rules”.  If we are strongly focusing on success and devoting little energy to poor choices, children will gravitate to making good choices.  They want recognition from adults.  It is what they hunger for.  Glasser also states that we can’t praise our kids too much, as long as it is genuine and sincere.  Children, like adults, know when a compliment is not from the heart.

Each method to the Nurtured Heart Approach is interconnected.  It is important to put each phase of the book into practice and build upon them in order for this approach to really take root and grow.  It will feel strange at first because it is not what we are naturally use to, but in time it will become second nature.  I believe that it will feel so good to celebrate the greatness of each other as we grow and live together.

Here are some examples for Proactive Recognition:

“Brandon, I appreciate that you have not used foul language at all this morning.  Thanks for following the rules.”   “Jason, I like that you are not teasing your brother.  That’s a great example of following the rules and also a great way to be a friend.”  “Jon, I love that you have not argued with me at all while I’ve been helping you with your project.  That shows you are patient.”  “Maggie, choosing to not grab back that toy from your brother shows me that you really think about things before you decide what to do.  You chose to be considerate, and you chose not to break the rule.  Choosing to be fair is a great quality that you have.”  “I noticed that you made a very big decision, Kelly, to go to clean up the toys without arguing or fussing.  I can tell you really didn’t want to do it.   A lot of kids think power has to do with aggression, but great power has to do with great decisions and great actions.”

Greatness Part 4 November 5, 2008

The second method/technique Glasser talk about is Experiential Recognition.  I would like to take a look at this method in this post.  Once again I will use Glasser’s words often as I write.   Experiential Recognition is where we use positive reflections to help instill values.  We create, for the child, a picture of a current or recent event and frame it in a way that shows the child how a desirable value is or was reflected in that moment.  Glasser uses examples from the first method, Active Recognition and adds the element of values…

“I see that you are using red, yellow and green yarn to make your weaving.  You are sticking with it, even though it’s taking a long time to finish.  Great work!  Great perseverance.”

“I can hear that you and your other group members are collaborating on your homework project.  You’re being a valuable member of the team, showing cooperation.  I appreciate that.”

“I see that you’re really frustrated right now.  You’re handling those tough feelings without lashing out or yelling at anyone.  You are using great restraint and power and using good judgement.”

So what are values exactly?   Values are qualities of behavior, thought and character regarded by a society as intrinsically good; as having desirable results; and that are worthy of imitation by others.  They are principles that govern behavior and reflect what is considered to be good or bad, or moral and immoral, in a culture.  In essence they are attributes of the heart.  Some are… patience, respect, tolerance, integrity, leadership, perseverance, confidence, courage… I listed some more at the end of my Part 2 post.

Glasser explains that we can talk and talk about these values to our children without really teaching them how to live those values.  When we think about a typical “teaching moment” with our children they usually happen when the child is doing something wrong.  We say things like, “That’s not very considerate!” or “You need to be respectful!”.  We tell our children to stop doing the behavior we are observing and then we launch into a lecture about the values they should have…sharing their toys, waiting their turn or thinking of others’ feelings.  At this time our children are on the defensive.  They are probably not going to leave that situation with an internal desire to be more considerate or respectful.  Energetically we are rewarding the misbehavior.  How much more powerful is it for us when we are acknowledged and praised when doing something good, instead of when we make mistakes?  If that rings true for us, how much more does it relate to how our children respond?

Some tips Glasser gives when applying this method are 1. Start with Active Recognition and add a comment about how what the child is doing or has done is a reflection of a value you wish to instill.  2. Make an effort to apply this technique in moments when your child is behaving well.  3. Express your excitement about what you’re seeing in the child.  4.  Remember that every desirable quality has many ways of being expressed and observed.

Glasser goes on to say that Experiential Recognitions deepen children’s growing sense of who they are as people of greatness – as having and honing the qualities that comprise a great human being.  I know that in my own experiences in life, I have been in environments that have challenged me and built me up to be the person I am today.  Mixed in with those environments were ones that really caused me to doubt myself and my abilities.  I remember for my husband who spent 11 years doing youth ministry and is now a pastor, there was one experience that almost caused him to leave ministry and pursue a different vocation.  That environment continually focused on what he was not doing and should be doing, instead of what he was doing and how he was valuable.  When I think about how situations have influenced us, I am convinced that this approach can be life changing in our children, no matter what age they may be.

I will leave you with a few more examples of Experiential Recognition.  I would also love to hear your stories about those people or environments that changed your life.

“James, you’re showing a respectful attitude in the soccer game.  Excellent sportsmanship!”

“I see that you are very focused and using a lot of concentration.  That is super effort!”

“I heard you ask Alex to stop chasing you, and I see that you got really frustrated when he didn’t listen.  I like that you used your words first and then you chose to walk away.  You used really good judgement and great inner strength.”

“I want to praise you for the honesty you showed in this tough situation.  That is not easy, and doing the right thing like this is a great quality.”